Carry On

I’ve gone through hell during the first half of my nightmare November. After I got over my first love after bawling my eyes out for a week and ended it properly with a talk, I got held up at gun point after 2 days and lost all my personal belongings. You can just imagine how I just got over something and another terrible thing happened right after. I hit rock bottom emotionally. I used to be the strong one for others but this time, I was the one who needed to be saved.Β But as some people would say, sometimes you gotta fall before you fly. I tried my best to turn the next half of this month around through Operation: Carry On.

On Nov. 16, my friend, Pat, and I went to Eastwood City and had dinner at Mr. Kurosawa. Eastwood during Christmas season is the best because of the lights… which are ironically similar to the ones at The Ruins. Walking under them like I did before with him didn’t make me sad; it actually made me smile that it happened. The next day, my parents decided to relax me with a massage at The Big Apple Express Spa and get a wax at Lay Bare. I felt so rejuvenated afterwards and I actually fell asleep during the massage, which doesn’t happen very often. When I got my wax, the physical pain, even though it wasn’t that much, would have been a better feeling than all the crap I’ve been through in the first 15 days of the month. We heard mass then had dinner out as a fambam. The following day, I got treated again to a mani-pedi at Nail-a-holics and it felt so good! I got dropped off at the condo and proceeded the week with my college girl duties. On Nov. 22, my friend, Chin, and I watched Catching Fire and ESXTCFYGVHBKJNBYFXEASRXDCTFVG I wanna watch it again I can’t seriously my feels… The next day, I went to Fully Booked at Bonifacio High Street and finished reading “If I Stay” and FJABFUIQGFJBQVQOUGQOUHV my feels again I can’t wait for the movie seriously my life… After a few minutes, my friend Abbie picked me up there and we drove to her family’s estate in Tarlac. The place was amazing and was such a perfect getaway! When we got there, we ate our dinner at the house then went to the town of Paniqui. We walked around and bought loads of street food, and got chips and drinks at a convenient store. When we got back, we chilled the night away and I think we passed out at around 3 in the morning. We woke up to a delicious breakfast and became such couch potatoes (the usual, what’s new) for a couple of hours. At around 11am, we decided to go to the club house for a swim and get our tan on. It was so chill and relaxing – sipping on cold beer, listening to awesome music, and sneaking strikes gave it the extra edge. We had lunch at around 1pm then went back for more relaxation. We heard mass at 5pm then drove back to Alabang where I slept over at Abbie’s house. We drove back to Manila the following morning and we were both passed out at our condo. On Nov. 27, my group of friends and I had brunch together after the longest time at The Chicken Rice Shop and it was so great to add another great moment to our long list of memories. I also got to meet new people from my college, and they are pretty amazing and fun to be with! On that night, we watched and supported the contestants of Mr. and Mrs. Rehabilitation Sciences 2013, an annual pageant of our college. Pat and I had dinner afterwards and proceeded with doing some errands. Yesterday, I got to hang out with my new friends again and at night, Pat and I had dinner at Ihop then went to Hyve where DJ Apocalypto got to spin for us! The next 15 days truly showed me that happiness could be found in simple joys and with the company of family and friends.

Even though there would be times wherein I’d remember things, I don’t let it upset me for more than a second because I’m done crying. Honestly, I can’t cry about those things anymore. Not because I don’t hurt anymore, because I do, but because if I start to cry, I won’t be able to stop. Both experiences did break me but it made me whole again. To the people who have hurt me, thank you for allowing me to go through those things. I hope you’re happy wherever you are, just don’t mess with me ever again.

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To my first love,

These are the things I never got to say to you but wish I did when I still had the chance.

When I first met you once upon that yolo night, I never thought that I would be this in love with you. No offense but you were the complete opposite of my type – you had that bad boy/chick boy vibe and I knew that if it was going to head anywhere, it was going to be just a one night flirtationship, something I was pretty sure you were good at. But then after two weeks, you came back and told me that you liked me. This was something I didn’t come across often and I was honestly pretty nervous when you asked me out for dinner the next night. When you didn’t show up, I knew that I was right from the beginning. Over the summer, I found myself constantly thinking about you. Sure we had that small chat on your birthday, but I still couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get you out of my system. I mean, we only met twice and talked online once, so why was I so fixated on getting close to you? When the first month of school rolled in, I was nervous everyday that I might bump into you because what do you say to the person who told you he liked you one day then ditched you in the next? But when we finally saw each other again, I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be the last. We ended up hanging out a couple of times with our common group of friends and you still insisted that you still liked me. To be honest, I didn’t want to give us a chance because I knew that I would only get hurt by this chick boy if I ever let my guard down. Again, no offense. But I eventually gave it a try because I knew that I was pretty good at detaching myself from my feelings and just not giving a care in the world. I also thought that if I shut you out, I’m also shutting down a chance of happiness or a chance to love and be loved. Little did I know, you would slowly break down that wall and allow myself to fall in love with you.

The first two months (July & August) have been amazing with you. I got to know you better but I still wasn’t sure if I liked you that way. It was weird that I was still unsure of my feelings because I loved talking to you. I loved hanging out with you. I loved the crazy dance moves we’d make when we party or how we would talk in the weirdest ways. I loved how we can’t pick a place to eat every lunch time and you would end up being late for class but you didn’t care since we were together. I loved how you embraced the fact that I was a chicken freak and that I was obsessed with pineapple juice and biting my straw in the weirdest way. You became that person I would turn to for anything. I loved the fact when I said “good morning” to you for the first time, you told me it made your day, and eventually it became our thing. You were the first and last person I’d check up on everyday. Basically, I loved starting and ending my day with you, and all the other things we’d talk about in between. There was this one weekend in July where my family took me to the Manila Ocean Park and I accidentally butt-dialed you while you were at class. I said it was an accident and you replied that I must have missed you so much. I actually smiled because it was so funny that of all people, it had to be you, but I just replied that you shouldn’t be assuming, but at the back of my head, maybe I did miss you. I also remember this one time I blacked out and my friend told me you took care of me. She told me you kissed me on the forehead and I said that I didn’t feel it. I lied. I did. And I found it so sweet that you didn’t take advantage of me. That light tap on my forehead made me feel safe, even though I had no idea where I was at that time. When I lost my phone, I panicked, not because I lost it but because I wasn’t used to not talking to you, so I desperately asked my friend if I could borrow her spare phone. I remember the first “fight” we had and I ended up walking the flood just to look for you. I loved how it would always take us five to ten minutes just to say good-bye when you’d bring me back to my condo, like it was somehow hard to leave a part of us behind. Yes, you became a part of me. I loved our late night walks at two in the morning to Mcdonald’s or Yellow Cab just to eat food, and we would even walk in the middle of the road as if it was just the two of us in this world. I remember our nights on the G floor and we’d look at the sky, and we were both so upset that we couldn’t see stars so we would just laugh at what we thought was a moving building and think about the most random questions like how a crane got up that building. I miss those crazy nights. I miss my crazy boy.

September was our hardest month, especially after the incident happened and I would like to thank you for deciding to fight for me, even when I gave up on us. Thank you for walking in the rain for me just because you didn’t want me to get detached from you. I remember that night because I had an English paper to write but we talked outside in the rain until four in the morning and my paper was due at eight am. You walked away at one point but you came back. When we fixed things and went back to my room, I told you to go to sleep but instead, you sat next to me while I was finishing my paper. You fell asleep on my shoulder because you didn’t want to sleep without me beside you. I looked at you for a few minutes, and yes you were already snoring, and I thought how lucky I was to have you by my side. Even though you were clearly exhausted, you still chose to sit next to me and wait for me to finish my work. I also remember the night you walked out because of jealousy and I ran after you all the way across the street, and at that night, I finally, after three months, admitted to you that I liked you back. I love our sleepovers. I love it when you’d always fall asleep first and I would have a few more minutes to cuddle with you and then wake up the next morning with your arms still wrapped around me. I loved it when you’d kiss me good morning and good night, and how besides me sleeping on your shoulder, you also wanted our fingers interlaced on the other hand. I find it so funny whenever I force you to sing for me and I would just laugh at you, and you would make the cutest face, like you were embarrassed but didn’t care, just to see me smile. I know you’re singing for someone else now and that she told you she likes your voice, but crazy boy, you sing in a very funny way. But still, thank you for sharing that side of you with me. I loved it that you recorded yourself singing “Close To You” and sent me a copy of it. Eventually, it became my lullaby and I could always fall asleep smiling on the nights you weren’t with me. I loved how you would go to church with me even though you’re not Catholic and you told me that you liked going to mass. I find it so funny whenever we share an umbrella under the rain because crazy boy, you don’t know how to hold an umbrella for two people, so we’d always get wet eventually. I loved the times when we watched Adventure Time and freaked out, watched movies and cuddle, and walked all the way from Dapitan to SM San Lazaro like a bunch of crazies that we are. I loved that you picked me up after my PE class and try to catch those tacos at Chill Out but they always run out of shells. I loved how you never got turned off during my crazy nights and I love most especially that you accept me for who I am, that I’m your Belly. After the other incident with my roommate, did you know that you made me cry after you texted me that you would always be there for me no matter what? Those were tears of joy, because despite the unlucky month, I still felt so lucky because I had you.

October may have been our last month together but I am still grateful for everything that happened. I remember how we’d cram about sembreak because we couldn’t stand the thought of being apart for three weeks. I wanted to surprise you in Bacolod but being the crazy boy that you are, you got me to tell you the truth. Whenever you’d get nose bleeds, I would always be so scared for you and I even went to the hospital with you just for your check-up. When you got that really bad nose bleed on our way for breakfast, I was happy that I was with you to take care of you, like how you’d always take care of me. Whenever I’m sick, I loved how you would buy me medicine and pineapple juice, travel from Mercury Drug to Venus (your joke that I still find really funny) just so I would get better. I loved how when I got a fever that was days away from the Masskara Festival, you called me up and assured me that I was going to be okay. When you hung up the phone, I cried myself to sleep, not just because my temperature was 38.2 but because I missed you so much. I wished you were the one taking care of me and not just from a distance. I loved how when I got a fever the first night in Bacolod, I told you to stay on the other bed but you still insisted on holding me. You didn’t let go of me even though I was burning up and I was pushing you away because I didn’t want you to get sick. I loved how you offered me cookies and milk that night. It was so cute because I never thought that a big guy like you would still like cookies and milk before you go to bed. I loved how you took my friend for a drive somewhere in Bacolod and when you came back, you immediately went to me, hugged me, and told me that you missed me. I mean, you were only gone for like two hours but honestly, I missed you more. I loved our skype sessions because I still felt near to you even though we were more than 600 kilometers away from each other. Our good-bye in the airport was the worst because apparently, that would have been our good-bye kiss and the last time I’ll be able to hold you in that way again. I loved that you made me a poem of how you loved me so much, like the inner romantic in you was shown. I loved our Taj Mahal moment. Maybe we should have done it in the actual Taj Mahal because that one didn’t work. Whenever I’d walk under lights or see a mini golf course, I remember that night when I knew for sure and had to tell you that I was in love with you. You already said it before and I didn’t say it back until that night. You thought you were the lucky one but it was me crazy boy, I was the luckiest to have found you – someone who made me extra happy everyday and someone who made me feel so loved.

I have no regrets. What happened to us was out of the blue for me but it must have happened for a reason. You might be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, after all the messes we’ve been in, but you are by far the best thing to ever come in my life. Even though those four months were short, they were indeed sweet. There are a lot of other memories in between but these are just at the top of my head right now. There are so many things I am grateful for from you. You taught me a lot. On the day I decided to end it after the second thing happened, it was the next day that was the hardest for me because there were no more good morning messages. There wasn’t going to be a good night text, or other messages within that day. I was so tempted to talk to you and ask about your “adlaw” but I knew you must be talking to someone else at that time. I’m so glad we talked after a week and we ended it properly when you finally came back from Bacolod because at that night, I slept well and with a peace of mind. I finally understood it when people say “if you love something, set it free”. I know you still want to enjoy your youth, and it’s because I love you so much that I knew I had to let you go. On the day I ended it, I was crying so hard because my heart was telling me that I still wanted you but my mind told me that I shouldn’t, I mean, I couldn’t. I really do hope you’re happy because as long as you’re happy, I am too. It took me a week to get over you and I’ve finally stopped crying over it. I’m happy again, even though I don’t have you the way I did these past four months. You said that you could never be with just one girl but I know that in the future, you will find that girl who could change that, or maybe you already have and you just don’t know it yet. Take a chance and don’t screw it up this time if you really like the girl you’re seeing now. To be honest, I can’t believe it was easy for you to let me go so quickly but then again it only took me a week, so. Moving that aside, the week before the talk, every song I listened to that we shared with one another reminded me of all the memories we had; all the moments I didn’t know would lead me to the point at The Ruins wherein I would realize that I was falling in love with you. I know I may be just one of the girls you have had, even though you say that I was the second girl you ever took seriously, but you were still the first guy I ever loved and that will always mean something to me. I will always care for you and you will always have a special place in my heart. I’m not sure if anything we had was real for you but they were to me. You know that I’m such a fangirl over a million series and I didn’t think I would ever experience love because I thought that the only romance I’d experience would be something I’d watch on a screen… until I was with you. I hope you have no regrets either and please stay happy. But whenever you’d feel sad, I hope you know that you could always turn to me and I would walk all the way across the street again just to cheer you up. You could always turn to me for anything; whether it’s just to rant or talk or hang out, I’ll always be here for you, as a friend. I will always love you the most. Thank you and good-bye.

Let It Go | Frozen

And here I stand and here I’ll stay
Let it go, let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway
It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fuse that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all.

The start of November seems kinda off for me. I wonder how things will turn out this month. Whatever happens though, I will eventually be able to let it go (see what I just did there) Hoping everyone’s month started off better than mine did! Good thing I’m good with shutting down my feelings. On the brighter side, 54 days ’til Christmas!Β x